I hate, despise, loathe being single. It tears at my heart. If I picture the future of my life as a single woman, doing everything alone, it physically gives me butterflies in my chest. A rush of fearful and sad emotions come over me; tears well up in my eyes. I can’t even bare the thought of living the rest of my life like this. It’s just absolutely awful. I’m constantly trying to convince myself that I will be okay. Everything will be okay. But will it?
One day, will I finally accept and be okay with being alone? Oh God, please no! Don’t do that to me. Please don’t sentence me to this life of solitude for the next thirty years. I was not meant or built to stay in this state. I was born for relationship. I was born for a good man. A man I can love upon and allow him to love upon me too. A relationship where we give each other permission to love at all cost and without limitations.
But my picker is broken. I am broken. I have very low self-esteem and self-worth. How can a real man love that kind of a mess? I will just end up bringing him down. I have no clue or clear direction on how to increase my self-esteem or self-worth. Where do I go from here?
I’m on this path and I am lost. It’s dark out here. It’s cold and windy. I don’t know if there are turns coming up or new paths to take, because none of them have a bright enough light that I can see them from where I'm at. Am I that far away from healing? That far away from hope?
I desperately miss a lover in my life. I just want to be wanted. To be important to someone.
But my picker is broken. I’m broken. I continue to choose men who are emotionally unavailable, leaving me feeling perpetually rejected. Choosing men like that is equivalent to self-harm. Like emotional cutting.
When I begin to get a handle on my thoughts and myself; my self-esteem starts to grow and I begin to see my real value....like a true broken person, I self-sabotage. I make the choice to call a lover, who inevitably rejects me and the cycle of self-harm begins again and again.
How do I climb up and over this mountain of hurt? I don’t know how to find the next path in the road. I’m blind and ignorant. Tears are the only response I have. Tears and tears. So many tears. I’m constantly teary eyed or ugly crying.
I think I had a panic attack a couple of weeks ago in my car, driving to work. I begin to genuinely panic! Panic at the thought of never finding someone to love me, that I would be alone forever. I started to cry, scream, my heart began to race; my thoughts were fast and chaotic. I couldn’t control my tears and they just kept coming. I lost control of my emotions and even started to mouth breathe fast and quick. I was panicking. I slapped my chest, just over my heart, three times to remind my brain that I am a physical person, who is driving right now and I need to get a grip. Literally. On the steering wheel. I had to talk to myself and tell myself I was okay.
Alice, you’re in the car. You’re going to work. You’re okay. Calm down, Alice. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re holding the steering wheel, you’re driving, you’re going to work and are gonna work on the schedule and talk to people. You are okay.
Reminding myself that I was a physical person living in a physical world as opposed to an emotional person living in an emotional world, helped me gain traction into some self-control and awareness. That’s how I bring myself back now. When that panic arises and the tears swell in my eyes. I remind myself I am a physical being, living in a physical world, so that I can exit my thoughts and emotions. I don’t live in my head. I live in the world.
My head is a world of dreams and nightmares, reality and fantasy. I can’t always tell the difference between the two. Someone or something is mind-fucking me. My mind is fucked.
- Alice
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