This morning I spent my time practicing my favorite activities. I made a cappuccino, put on some music, volume 10 of course. Today I chose Nina Simone. Nina and I hung out for a couple of hours, while I wrote and she sang. Linda Ronstandt came next. She belted out some of my favorite songs while I ate lunch.
Then silence.
My brain can only take stimulation for so long before I have to have complete silence. The silence is like a rechargeable battery for me. By each passing, quiet moment, I gain energy back into my soul. The stillness around me helps me think. Sometimes good thoughts, sometimes not. I was feeling good though.
By 2pm I crawled into bed and decided to masturbate while time passed. At first I was searching for male voiced audio of positive affirmations. I really just wanted to hear a man’s voice telling me I was sexy and beautiful while I touched myself. I found something different and surprisingly, just what I needed. Guided masturbation!
I listened to a short audio, about 10-min long. It was the voice of a man, describing himself positioned next to a woman, me I guess, as I began to envision it. He began by describing his bodily position, her position, what he saw and what he wanted to see. I dutifully followed the prompts.
I came right on queue! What happened next was a complete and total ugly cry. I had a absolute emotional release. Since I was home alone, I just let myself cry, I laid there and cried loud and long. I felt stupid for crying and I also felt better when I was done. This is not the first time I cried after an orgasm. It happened one night when I was with M***. I hadn’t been touched by a man in a couple of months. M*** visited me one night. His touch combined with his words and my climax, pushed me to tears. I buried my face in his chest and cried. He held me and asked me what was wrong.
At first, I said I don’t know. But when he asked again I told him it was because of different things, which were true but not exactly true. I didn’t want to admit to him that I was desperately, fundamentally lonely and this moment gave me an emotional release and comfort I was so desperate for. I hadn’t previously experienced that, but I knew what it was the moment it happened.
After that night, I was on a high and felt great for weeks. I think about three weeks actually. Then I began to need that fix again. The fix of a man’s touch, combined with his sweet words and my climax. That is my high. That is my addiction. That feeling is what I utterly crave.
- Alice
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